So Grateful

Book club was so awesome I love spending time talking about good books with good food and good friends. It's amazing. Chinese food is my absolute favorite.

Got lost for hours on http://whovianconfessions.tumblr.com/  I love doctor who and that site makes me realize that there are people like me out there who REALLY love that show.  Whenever I'm feeling bad I turn that show on and it takes me away from all the pain.  It's an escape.   It's not my only escape, I used to LOVE music, and I used to LOVE writing...  I don't do either anymore, the feelings are just too strong there.  This blog is my pathetic attempt at writing how I feel (something I was once good at) and what I need to get out.  Now I watch TV, play around on FB (I swear I only make myself feel inadequate there), pinterest and listen to podcasts.  They keep me from thinking, which keeps me from dwelling on the bad.  Makes it sound like my life is AWFUL.  It really isn't.  There's only a handful of things I don't like about it but the good things should well outweigh.  It's the darn depression and anxiety that keep me down.  I'm learning to deal, things have gotten much better since I have learned to speak up for myself.  I didn't realize that was such a problem in my life.

Pete Holmes (my new favorite podcast is http://www.nerdist.com/podcast/you-made-it-weird/ You Made It Weird) talks about how he's a boundary-less person, and at one point that's how I was too.  I still am in a way.  Placing boundaries has been a HUGE challenge for me in the last year, but has HONESTLY made life SO much better.  Telling people no, telling people how things make me feel, stating my own opinion...  those things used to make me scared out of my mind.  The word no was NOT in my vocabulary, and now it has been something I am not afraid to say.  No longer do I take on tasks that I can't find time to do (okay so occasionally I do, but because I want to do them, not because I'm guilted into it.)  I share how things make me feel now too, which is still hard and scary but less so than it was.  It's wonderful to hear Pete talk about his therapy sessions and about how he has ruined relationships over being boundary-less.  Not wonderful it happened, but wonderful to know I'm not alone!

Not much to talk about.  Totally crazy week at work that left me exhausted and as I write this my 3 year old boy continues to jump all over me.  I am SO blessed to have him in my life but goodness gracious LOL

Tomorrow will be exciting!  James will be staying with my dad for the day and overnight while the hubby and I take in some great "us" time for our anniversary!  We are going to see Billy Cosby and have a great dinner at our FAVORITE place to eat Ruby River.  Then a night to ourselves!  I'm so excited and it's so desperately needed after such a crazy week!

Emotions are wild some days.  I love my family but sometimes I just want some time alone.  I do get those moments and then I long for my family.  It's a strange conundrum really.

I'm excited for this weekend though.  Fun with James on Friday and Lynn's birthday party on Saturday.  It should be fun!

Can't wait to make the white chocolate rainbow cake...  I'm hoping I can find something good to carry it in so it doesn't get hurt.  I have a few more things to pick up for the party (surprises!) but all in all I'm mostly done!

Starting Out

I need to express how I feel, this is the place to start I suppose.  Comments are welcome, trash will be deleted because I no longer want garbage in my life.

I'm learning to turn over a new leaf, talking myself through things, remembering the positive and trying to push aside the negative.  I want to be a positive and happy influnce for my son, so talking it out is the way to go. 

It's been a long time since I've written anything.  I'm just glad to be doing it because at one point in my life it was all I ever did.  Now I'm lucky if I even read, even though that's something I dearly love too.  I have moved so far from who I used to be when I enjoyed life.  I want to enjoy life again and not be cursing to have it leave me alone.

I fear a lot of the time that no one understands me.  I'm sure most people feel that way.  I guess that's why I keep a lot to myself and that's why I NEED to write these things down, perhaps I can find someone who understands?  Or maybe I'll just feel better.  Who knows.  I'll have to see where this thing goes.  I have a personal goal to write in this blog 3 times a week...  more is great, but less is not where I want to be.  If I do go with less I'll have to pick myself and try again. 

So this is me, this is my journey and that's how I roll ;)